


Marriage of Inconvenience

by humane



Series: Frostiron crack [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Ginormous Matchmaking Green Beastie, Hulk is the best, Humor, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Really that's all there is to this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 05:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2570417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humane/pseuds/humane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Today is the day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Marriage of Inconvenience

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> For goddamnhella, who introduced me to this wonderful pairing and is keeping me bound. This is inspired by her fic 'Off The Record', specifically by the epilogue, but doesn't connect to the storyline.
> 
> English is not my mother tongue and I wrote this story in one sitting, so grammar mistakes are bound to have happened. All brutal pointouts are appreciated.

 Today is a grand day. A critical day. Today is the day Tony starts hyperventillating _after_ they run out of genocidal villains to skewer, the day in which he's afraid of the ceasefire and not of the unending supply of second-grade firearms(in Tony's opinion).

 Right. Today is the day Tony proposes to Loki.

 In a moment of panicked madness he decides to do it in front of his whole team: translation, he stands abruptly in the middle of their late night movie session and calls,

 "Jarvis, summon Loki. Urgent matters."

 It takes Loki about the time it takes Tony to realize that he hasn't exactly revealed the nature of their relationship to anyone yet. Which is to say, the room predictably erupts into chaos upon the arrival of the amor-clad Norse god, who had by all records vanished into the ether after the battle of New York. Loki ignores them all.

 "What is wrong?" He says, stepping up to Tony with carefully concealed concern creasing the corner of his mouth.

 There, that's his cue to say the words. It also happens to be Hulk's cue to pick Loki up and swing him around like a doll. Tony is hit with an acute need for immediate intervention, otherwise he suspects he is about to witness his puny boyfriend get less puny and more a slender plane of paper-flat pulp. Which expectably leads to him sprinting after Hulk, flailing his arms and shouting: "Hulk! No smash! No smash!" because he's eloquent like that. Hulk, who is remarkably attentive in conversations despite popular belief, stops in the middle of squeezing the juice out of Loki and glances dubiously at Tony.

 "No smash?" He repeats, confused(and hopefully not pissed, it's never easy to tell). Loki makes a sound like a grapefruit slowly being ground into a health drink. His face is certainly the color of one.

 "Yes, I mean no, no smash, never not ever smash. Put him down, jesus."

 The gigantic heap of green muscle before him stares, eyes sorrowful as a seven-year-old girl about to be deprived of her favourite Barbie doll. He doesn't stop squeezing. Much as Tony believes in the durability of Norse god anatomy, he can't help panicking a little.

 "Put him _down_. I'm not losing my husband-"

 The statement dies away as a half-question, half-ohgodwhathaveIdone, as many things end for Tony. The room is suddenly submerged in complete and utter silence. Hulk's jaw drops and Loki drops which is good because right now Tony has more urgent matters to attend to than his (possibly) future husband getting brutally murdered.

 "-not my husband. My boyfriend, god no forget that, my- my friend with benefits." He looks around helplessly. Everyone is staring and, and when did Nick Fury enter the room?

 A cold hand closes around his shoulder. He can practically hear the smirk.

 "Why, Tony, I never knew. I-"

 Loki doesn't get to finish his sentence, because right then there is a roar. A deep, rumbling, earth-shatteringly _angry_ roar. The amusement drains out of Loki's face along with all traces of blood.

 "Puny god not know?" is his line of bane. Never before has Tony heard Hulk sound so furious, which is saying something. Lotthing.

 "Tony think Loki husband. Loki not think Tony husband. Hulk,"

 There is a foreboding second of silence during which the Avengers plus one god and one fuming human are subject to the peculiar experience of watching Hulk search for words.

 "Hulk SMASH." is what he settles for. He makes up for lack of imagination with the extraordinary volume in which the word is hollered. Before anyone can lift a finger Loki is encaged in the unrelenting grip of Hulk's green fist again, feet dangling sadly above the floor. Tony is about to scream grandly when Hulk adds,

 "Hulk not smash if puny god think Tony husband."

 "I do." Loki wheezes out before the green beast in front of him has started saying 'h' of 'husband'. It sounds like the most tragically hasty marriage vow in the history of hasty marriage vows.

 Thankfully Hulk sets the half-demised god down without further ado, but then he curves his fingers into a circle inches away from Loki's face. There is a discreet hunch to his posture that somehow sends a chill down Tony's spine. Tony squints, squints as Hulk curls his remaining hand into a fist, leaving a finger that he thrusts into the ring of his other hand in the universal sign for-

 "FUCK."

 It seems he gets to scream something in the end, albeit with less manly grace than he would have liked. He watches with horror as Loki sighs, nods, and reaches into his backpocket(Tony stitched it onto his pants with wire for fun). He is briefly grasped by the horrible, horrible image of Loki whipping out a condom and start explaining safety measures to Hulk, but the thing he pulls out is metallic and shiny and- oh.

 "Oh." He breathes, and notices that it is in fact a fourth finger still hovering in the circle of Hulk's fingers. He stands there dumbstruck as Loki strides over to him, lifts his hand, and slides the silver ring into place matter-of-factly. Silver. The ones Tony prepared are of two intertwined vines of gold. They'll look good worn together.

 Tony is abruptly consumed by an overflowing swell of emotions(the good ones and the bad ones).

 "Did you _plan_ this?" He blurts.

 "No." Loki's face is so sour that he immediately feels sorry for saying it.

 "Well, I guess all we've left is the honeymoon." He says quickly in an ungraceful attempt to change the mood. Naturally it has the opposite effect, and if Loki looked sour before he looks like multiple lemons squashed themselves to death under his nose now.

 "Yes." He says tersely. "To Asgard."

 "You will finally meet our father then, friend Tony! 'Tis a delightful thing to look forward to." Thor supplies happily from behind him.

 It is a testament to the strength of Tony's romantic devotion that he only considers divorce for a meager second. After that his mind sets to pondering what kind of present will most likely save his ass from painful demolishment via an angry protective father-in-law: spear, armor, beard- cross that, elderly people tend to react badly to being presented with synthetic hair, even the awesome multi-purpose kind- eyepatch. Eyepatch. Shape-memory alloy eyepatch it is.

 Which reminds him, Nick Fury. Shit.

 


End file.
